When I was young I observed some very powerful grudges in action. The people who harbored them were angry; the power their grudges wielded was enormous—and frightening. The damage these grudges caused to their lives and to those in their path, mine included, was voluminous. I did not like grudges; I wished to never have them. When something was done to me that was harsh or hurtful I worked very hard to get over it as soon as possible. Usually after just a few weeks I couldn’t remember important details. The pain and any possible blame I might have would just vanish. I figured out later on that this was a form of denial. At the time I experienced these events I didn’t know how to process them so I just tucked them away out of sight, out of mind. I fooled myself into thinking I was unaffected.
Years ago those details I thought I had forgotten started bubbling to the surface. Experiencing these memories for the second time was tough. It was difficult for me to admit that I was holding on to a lot of pain and also, anger. At first I felt shame over the fact that I had been harboring these strong emotions for so long. I really thought I was done with these memories and had let them go. I was disappointed in myself; I was disappointed in the memories for having so much power over me. I felt a little bit like I had a secret monster lurking inside.
It started to feel good to express myself, eventually. It was like I was strong enough for the first time to claim how I really felt. It felt good to say, “I’m mad!” instead of “I’m fine!” I was able to raise my hand and say, triumphantly, “Hey, what happened here was wrong and I do not accept it.”
The next phase, though, was realizing this new found bravado wasn’t contributing to peace and harmony in my life.
Around that time I started hearing about this concept of forgiveness. I learned how it is important to forgive others in order to let go of associated pain, anger or resentment. At first, the idea of forgiveness only increased my anger. I thought, “First I have the burden of this experience from someone who should have known better, and now the burden is on me, again, to forgive? Outrageous!” I was closed off to forgiveness. Forgiveness seemed like a gift you give the person who hurt you; I didn’t agree with it. Even later when I learned that forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone the behavior or have to invite this person back into your life, I still couldn’t embrace it. I suppose I just wasn’t ready.
Then one day I was listening to a radio show hosted by Marianne Williamson. She described an exercise on forgiveness that caught my attention. She suggested we mentally recall a relationship or an event within a relationship and we take responsibility for our wrongs. One by one, we call out anything we did that was wrong, hurtful or thoughtless and we take responsibility. In this way, we humanize the relationship and diffuse the actions performed against us. The result is that we are finally able to let go of our grudge and any negative emotions associated with it. This is something we can do on our own. If we want to then reconcile the relationship, we can, but we don’t have to. This resonated with me.
Over the next several weeks, anytime I was driving around town, or doing something else where I could be alone with my thoughts, I went over these past events and accepted my part. It helped me a lot and I learned a powerful lesson on humility. I realized that a wrong committed is a wrong no matter what. What I mean by this is that sometimes we weigh the wrongs committed against us and if they are really big, we refuse to accept that we also played a part because our wrongs are so seemingly insignificant by comparison. We make the person who hurt us into a horrible villain and we are one hundred percent the victim. We defend, or cancel out, anything we did wrong because we find it to be less wrong than what was done to us.
In my own way, I had this mentality. The bulk of my experience occurred between parent and child. Prior to this exercise, I refused to accept any responsibility because I was a child when the trouble began. I am right in many respects; but our troubled relationship did continue into my adult years and surely I contributed to the pain and mistrust that existed between us later on. That I was a child when the trouble began was my “free pass” so to speak. What I came to realize is that by holding on exclusively to what had been done to me, I had locked myself into the victim mentality. Anytime we enter into a victim/villain dynamic we’re stuck. The relationship locks up and stalls. Our own growth stalls, too, because we are too attached to our one-sided ideas about the situation. I had to accept that in the Court of Forgiveness, all wrongs are equal. Doing this diffused my pain and anger. In taking a look at where I could have done things differently, I realized I was not perfect in the situation and so I could not expect perfection from the other person, either. Surrendering my part to the situation helped me to see how each of us contributed to the problem. Seeing what my pain caused me to say or do made me more open to seeing what actions against me may have been motivated by pain. I felt empathy, even.
Personally, I was much better off. Doing this exercise unlocked a part of me that I never thought would be free. The lightness I felt as I came to terms with all of this was instantaneous. Being able to refer to this as forgiveness still took a little more time for me. But I did arrive there eventually.
I finally understood what I heard before about how forgiving someone else is a gift we give ourselves. Forgiveness frees us from the past. We are able to function happily in the present once again when we let go of the past. We allow our hearts to open instead of going through life with a clenched fist.
I wanted to share Marianne Williamson’s method for forgiveness in hopes that it could help one of you with letting go of your own pain or anger. I think there is a way for all of us to heal, we just have to find the way that works for us. When we are healed, peace and harmony are possible.
Great article Jodi. You’ve outlined your personal understanding of forgiveness very well. It’s very helpful.
Forgiving is healing.
I found out the long way that forgiveness is really about letting go. As mental concepts we have trouble with understanding what forgiveness, acceptance, surrender, compassion, and other expanding concepts are because as a concept we think they are something we do, when in experience they are really about something we stop doing. It’s all about letting go.
With some practice I learned that forgiveness is letting go. And then, strangely, the doing of forgiving is not necessary.
As you say beautifully, it’s a gift we give ourselves.
k
I very much needed to hear this right now. Thank you!
Karen
Hi Kaushik,
What you add in your comment should be in the post! I love how you describe that we understand these concepts as things we must do when in reality it is about something we stop doing. So well put!
I am glad you learned this lesson for yourself and have let go of these ills, too. Thank you so much for your comment.
Hi Karen,
I hope this helps. I think Kaushik’s comment is very poignant, too. Best wishes for your healing journey, Jodi
Every person, being or situation that comes into our radar screen is an invitation to look into the mirror that is self. Everything and everyone is a teacher. You R always invited to come face to face with the inner judge, learn to understand it, and dissolve it, to remember what you are.
Hi Joydi!
This post is awesome! And like you, I love what Marianne says on forgiveness – as well as a lot of other things! This was beautifully written and from the heart! Funny how things from the past “bubble up” as you said – things we thought we were “over” – not so much sometimes. I was always much better at forgiving others than I was forgiving myself. To me, that is what brought the healing I needed.
Oh Jodi, I love how you describe how we can get stuck without knowing what we are doing.
I also love how you describe the process of all the things you did to deal with the grudge and the pain and how you eventually found one that really allowed you to complete with the person and the grudge and to move on.
Forgiveness is really for us, that sounds selfish but forgiveness allows us to move on and to have this energy sapping thing gone from our lives.
AND as a bonus it also will do the other person good and it will decreases the negative level all round.
However I so can resonate with your first reaction to forgiveness. That was mine too and recently I had to explain it to my daughter.
It is a toughy when you first come across it, these things do require some time to process as it is so against the grain.
You did a beautiful job by explaining where you came from and where you arrived at, it was like describing my journey in your wonderful way.
I will keep this for my daughter.
Love Wilma
Hi Jodi,
I liked how you described how you came full circle with this. Not forgiving ourselves and others really only harbors negativity which brings more hurt back to ourselves. It really has little to do with the other person, strange as that seems! I try to practice looking at myself- how I contributed to the breakdown of a relationship. But sometimes people don’t come back around for whatever reasons. And sometimes it’s for the best, depending on what direction they are headed. Then I practice just allowing it to be, and when I catch myself having bittter thoughts, I replace it with loving thoughts. It always makes me feel better.
Thanks!
Genevieve
What a phenomenal post, Jodi; thank you for sharing so much of yourself. You reminded me of a post I wrote a year ago, when I, too, was struggling with forgiveness. I was struggling to forgive a parent who let me down repeatedly as a child, as well as a former boyfriend who betrayed my trust. In both cases, the people were still in my life, albeit more distanced than ever. What I realized was that I had to make a choice in moving forward.
I could:
1. Keep the unhealthy connections with them and be ok with it.
2. Keep the unhealthy connections and be miserable about it.
3. Cut the unhealthy connections (and in some cases, cut the people out of my life) and be ok with it.
4. Cut the unhealthy connections and be miserable about it.
In one case, I cut the person out of my life, but then had to do forgiveness work down the road, like you wrote about. I love how you said that you were able to come to a place of forgiveness by recognizing the role you played in the relationship, as well as the pain the other person was in who acted in a hurtful way. Empathy has always served me well in forgiving people. It’s not easy, though. I especially loved that you used an example of a child and parent. That was very meaningful for me.
I just love how you presented this topic — so very clearly, meaningfully, and in a positive way that lets others see how they can apply this same mode of thinking to better their lives.
~ Love & joy to you ~
Forgiveness is a very difficult virtue for the mind to comprehend. Most of the time we are not aware of our arrogance in thinking we are of no fault. When someone hurt us, all we think of is to get even, such is our nature: OR such is the dictum of our mind.
One thing I’ve observed about people is that we tend to ignore reason when our feelings are violated. Despite the fact that we are the ones that suffer, we are too blind to see it. We prefer to harbor, we prefer to deny, we prefer to grudge.
Remember, the mystery and beauty of life can only be revealed if we step beyond our mind; we are not our minds. We should claim our authority in being the master of our self.
Hi Liara,
I appreciate you stopping by today. Everything you said is an arrow straight to my heart, and I needed to hear it. Thank you! I love your use of the term “dissolve” — it is so very peaceful.
Hi SuZen,
For the most part, forgiving myself is definitely the hardest thing for me. But there have a been a couple of instances outside myself that were really difficult to let go of. This was one of them! Thanks so much for contributing!
Hi Wilma,
You bring up a good point and I wish I would have mentioned it in my post–the gift of forgiveness is being released from the energy sapping thing we’re holding to–that’s so true. Thank you for adding that, I appreciate it! Thank you also for understanding. I really feel like you “get” me when you read my comments and my posts. It brings me a lot of comfort, and joy! Thanks again for being here. I’m glad we found each other through blogging!
Hi Genevieve,
I’m so glad you commented! You are so right, this does have very little to do with the other person, and it is kind of comical! It sounds like you have this whole cycle down pat. I like how you anticipate the bitter thoughts and just gently replace them with positive thoughts. It sounds like you are really gentle on yourself–the best way to be. Thanks again for stopping by!
Hi Megan!
Hello friend, it’s nice to see your smiling gravatar! Thank you for your understanding of this topic, too. Although I didn’t get very specific it is a deeply personal subject. I would have preferred not sharing any details but I worried that Marianne Williamson’s method wouldn’t carry as much weight without the example of me using it and working through it. A bit draining, but in the end, good for the soul! (Breathe, breathe, breathe…) I like how in your experience you came up with those options. I notice that there is not any drama laced within those options, and that is fantastic. You really simplified what your choices were (and in the end, the choices are really simple, although the work that follows is immense!) and it sounds like they helped you determine what was best for you. Hugs all around! Thank you again for your friendship, sincere understanding, and thoughtful comment. xo!
Hi Walter!
Your comment is exquisite. I wish I had it around way back when all this was going on! You are right, the mind gets involved and then everything gets muddled.
Hi Jodi,
Beautiful post and hits very close to home. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. It took me a long time to be able to forgive the people that hurt me and to forgive myself for how I showed up in such situations. As you said, there is no sense going through life with a closed fist.
Love and hugs to you!
Dear Jodi,
WOW! I bow to your awesomeness. This is a brilliant post!
“One by one, we call out anything we did that was wrong, hurtful or thoughtless and we take responsibility.”
Do I hear “Bingo!” in the house? Gosh…it took me awhile to get this concept, but once I did, once I accepted 100% responsibility for my life – right down to my breast cancer – the broken bits of me began to heal. My first marriage ended in a heap of ash but it wasn’t all his fault…last I looked, there were two of us in a relationship…and as much as I did not like looking at my contribution to the demise of my first marriage, that little look (ok, really, not so little) has helped me have a much better second marriage.
Accepting responsibility for my breast cancer allowed me the wisdom to make better choices – one of the biggest decisions I made was to no longer live, eat, and breathe stress. Done. Gone. Poof. I am a healthier, happier person today than I was the day before I was diagnosed nearly six years ago.
Bravisimo Jodi – your article needs to be in Self magazine or something!
Hi Nadia,
Thank you for your support. It is wonderful to be known by a kindred spirit.
Hi Peggy,
Thank you for the nice compliments, and for your sparkly enthusiasm! It is wonderful, wonderful that you have learned to live without stress in your life. I like it that you claimed goodness, health and happiness, no exceptions! Your support on my blog means so much. Thank you, Peggy!
Hi, Jodi. I really enjoyed reading your post. I have been working hard on forgiveness as well, sometimes of other people and sometimes of myself. I decided to forgive because it was the only part of the experience I had any control over. I could either torture myself longer by keeping the anger inside or I could let it go and be happy. It doesn’t mean that I have to forget and it allows me to move forward. Thank you so much for sharing your insights with us!
As people awaken, they realize they have no reason to fear their physical existence. The truth of forgiveness seems stranger than fiction. People tend to blind themselves with sensationalism, ground themselves in the future or past rather than dive into the now. Forgiveness is a natural phenomenon and yet, to live in the now, you realize you have no reason for forgiveness as you only ever experience unconditional love and acceptance.
Hi Jodi,
I recently went through an exercise on forgiveness (different than what you mentioned) and it was extremely powerful. I remember thinking “I don’t have that much to forgive” and before I knew I had a list 2 pages long.
And at that moment I knew the true meaning of guilt. Powerful indeed. While I haven’t been able to “let go” of the past, I choose to embrace it. It’s the reason I am where I am today, and for that I can only be grateful.
Thanks for sharing your perspective, forgiveness is an amazing exercise!
Hi Daphne,
Thank you so much for coming by and leaving your comment. You touched on an important part of forgiveness-the part how this is the only part we have control over. I think that is a big reason why forgiveness brings us so much peace.
Hi Liara,
To be in a constant state of living in the now and only ever experiencing unconditional love and acceptance sounds like a dream. But one I know is possible with time and patience. Some days it seems more within reach than others. Thank you, Liara, for the clarity you always, always bring to my posts.
Hi Stacey,
I am so glad you stopped by to share your own experience. In reading that you filled two pages full of things you needed to forgive it got me thinking about all the many, many things we hold on to. We think forgiveness is about those big grievances that have occurred when in actuality we also need to work on letting go of the tiniest of slights that we are storing up for later. Great, great point. I am glad it was such a powerful experience for you. I hope you continue to feel the lightness from it and that forgiveness comes easier to you in the future. I think for me, it will take some practice to make it an automatic response.
Hi Jodi,
What a powerful and valuable post. I love the part where you said, ” Forgiveness frees us from the past. We are able to function happily in the present once again when we let go of the past. We allow our hearts to open instead of going through life with a clenched fist.”
I do agree, when we hold grudges we end up missing on a lot of life. Not only do we walk around with the victim attitude, but our hearts often remain closed to other possibilities.
Thank you for sharing what you learned from Marianne Williamson. She’s a very wise woman.
Hi Jodi,
Leave it to Marianne to get us out of our egos and into our hearts. Ya gotta love her.
Thanks for this post. It’s exactly what I need right now. One of my daughters to this day hasn’t forgiven me for her childhood stuff. I’ve let go of the pain of that and even am at peace with the idea that she may never forgive me.
I am going to do this exercise and see what else I can release. I know there is more…I’ve heard it described as an iceberg. What is above is what we are conscious of and we knowingly forgive. When buttons are pushed like an iceberg it’s what is below the water, the unconscious stuff that still needs healing.
Today I’ll heal any “below the water” stuff. My grandson’s first birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I was wondering what I needed to do to remain peaceful while attending. Thanks for giving me the answer!
Forgiveness is such an odd thing. The way you describe it is perfect, “a gift we give ourselves.” Your descriptions and thoughts are really powerful. In my life, I’ve never had the problem of forgiving others because I was always the one who caused more pain and hurt than others caused me. Now, whenever someone does something damaging to me, I’m almost glad for it, thinking it to be a kind of penance to make up for the various things I’ve done. I really like the snowfall on your site by the way
Very cool.
This is a wonderful post, Jodi. Forgiveness frees everyone doesn’t it! It’s a hard thing to do, but once done, it is a big load off! I think we often think that forgiving someone excuses their behavior. That is where distinction comes in….we can not like what was done to us, we can still not condone the behavior or action, but we can forgive the human impulse that our agressor possessed at that time. Knowing I am not free of faults helps when I am dealing with forgiveness too. Seeing the part I play in the situation is not always easy to accept either! Still, it is all worth it in the end. Lovely post!