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Off the Shelf: Blink by Malcolm Gladwell

February 9, 2010 by Jodi Sloane

Blink is a very informative look at how we think without thinking and about the choices we make behind the closed curtains of our minds. Malcolm Gladwell, the author, who also is a staff writer for The New Yorker, artfully weaves the psychology behind decision-making through true tales of everything from the election of the worst president in U.S. history to how antiquities experts uncovered a fake statue sold to the Getty. Gladwell even covers how this type of thinking led to the evolution and downfall of New Coke. He also discusses how although we think we know our opinions on subjects such as race and gender, sometimes what drives our decisions behind the closed curtain betrays us.

I enjoyed this book simply because it was so interesting and because Gladwell is so gifted at taking textbook facts and turning them into very relatable stories. My biggest takeaway was the discussion on race and gender and how a lifetime of negative images and opinions shapes our unconscious, and thus our behavior, whether or not we agree with those images in our conscious mind. There is even an online test you can take through Harvard University which “assesses your own conscious and unconscious preferences.” I am a parent and as such this part of the book really hit home for me. It made the advice of limiting negative images my children are exposed to via television, movies and video games much more relevant. It also made me understand how imperative it is that we expose our children to the great men and women in history who have overcome adversity and contributed in a positive way to society.

Blink is a fascinating read. If you have also read this book, please share your comments!

 *Originally posted March 5, 2009

Posted in Books | Tagged , | 5 Comments »

Great Expectations

February 1, 2010 by Jodi Sloane

I am currently reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book, Committed. It is wonderful; full of fascinating facts and musings on marriage, written with Gilbert’s soft,         well-researched intelligence and wit. In the book, Gilbert describes how it was difficult to write this new book because this time around, she was writing to an audience of millions, all expecting another mega hit after the super-stardom achieved by Eat, Pray, Love. Gilbert wrote an entire draft of Committed with this vast crowd in mind, and then placed it in a drawer and began the book again. The second attempt was written ”for exactly twenty-seven readers,” all women (pXV). It was only in writing to this intimate group of friends and relatives that she could find her authentic voice and share her story with intention and meaning.

This writing tale of Gilbert’s made me smile as it is similar to the way I find my writing voice, though let’s be clear: my audience is infinitely smaller than hers! I find that when I write to the Crowd on the Internet I trip over my words and get trapped in conundrums, missing my main point. What I do instead is write as though I were speaking to one of my best friends who lives a few states away.  Our phone conversations vacillate between the deep end and the hilariously small points of day to day life. There is much laughter and a comforting sense of being known when we talk. When I write a post, I ask myself what it is I am trying to get across (“the point”) and then I write as if I were explaining this point to her. When I do this, the words flow, and writing is truly a pleasurable process.

This all brought me to thinking about the expectations we have for living our lives. One would hope that each of us lives by the calling of our own heart. But it isn’t always the case. Many times, we find ourselves making decisions and choices that we deem acceptable to the masses. We live according to expectations set forth by our families, our co-workers, by those in our social station, or by a fictionalized audience we create for ourselves. Many times, these expectations may not actually exist but we think they are so. We let them hold power over us and rule our lives. We find ourselves making decisions from the outside in and our “self” gets lost in the mix. We are trying to please everyone else with our actions and hoping that we might feel good in the end, which is a risky gamble.

We each have a moral compass and we each have a heart capable of handling so much. When we live according to what feels right we cannot help but feel good. We are being true and operating from love.

Even knowing all this, we can occasionally slip up. It is important every now and again to take pause and consider whose expectations we are considering as we measure the movement of our lives. We must ask, Are my choices motivated by what I think my own “crowd of millions” wants from me? Am I taking a “majority vote” for how I live my life?

Or, Am I moving through life freely, living by what is true in my own heart?

Posted in Books, Community & Connection, Mind | Tagged , , , | 28 Comments »

A Small Dose of Self-Care

January 26, 2010 by Jodi Sloane

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”  -Oscar Wilde

Take a moment today to do something nice for yourself. It can be something small, like treating yourself to an afternoon frozen yogurt or a Starbucks drink and your favorite slice of coffee cake. Don’t eat on the run—sit down for just fifteen minutes and enjoy the taste and texture of each bite. Take in the scenery, notice the weather, the people around you. What are your priorities this week? Have you planned time each day to focus on those priorities? Are there any unresolved issues that need your attention (so you can let them go)? Have you planned something fun this week for yourself, with a friend or with a loved one? Take a deep breath in and then breathe out slowly. Notice how good you feel, how relaxed and rejuvenated. You have just done something very nice for yourself in less than a half hour. Self-care doesn’t have to be a major undertaking. Even in very small doses, you will feel all the benefits.

*Originally published March 23, 2009

Posted in Quotes, Self-Care | 25 Comments »

Off the Shelf: Parenting with Love and Logic

January 19, 2010 by Jodi Sloane

I am always looking for ways to improve as a parent. It seems as least weekly I am tested by one of my boys with a whole new scenario for which I feel totally unprepared (or the same one playing out over and over again, which I can’t seem to solve). Last week I spoke to a friend who strongly recommended this book. She described some examples which really made sense. I gave Parenting with Love and Logic a try and I am really happy with all that I learned. The premise for Parenting with Love and Logic is teaching your children responsibility. The authors (Foster Cline, MD and Jim Fay) insist that you do this by giving your children as much control as they can handle (preparation for the real world), using thinking words rather than fighting words to offer choices rather than orders and when necessary, empathizing with your child when natural consequences occur.  This method, if applied correctly, will teach children to think for themselves and solve their own problems. It will teach them to look inward when faced with consequences, rather than looking outward and blaming others (like parents) for what has happened. This all makes sense to me.

The first half of the book is dedicated to explaining Love and Logic principles. The second half is filled with forty-eight Love and Logic “Pearls” which are different scenarios in which the principles might apply and how to address each one. Many contain sample dialogues as well. Examples include bedtime battles, eating and table manners, getting ready for school, television watching, and temper tantrums, to name a few. The authors stress the need for practice, practice, practice. These principles must be practiced in order to master the technique. The authors also stress the importance of delaying discipline decisions until enough time has passed that a parent is firm on what to say, how to deliver the message, and that the consequence fits the offense. Through every process described, a strong level of love and respect is maintained between parent and child and anger and yelling are absolutely unnecessary.

Parenting, like life, is an adventure. The more prepared we can be along our journey, the greater the rewards. I thought this story in the book, used to play up the necessity of time and practice—and the benefit if we stick with something—was particularly wonderful. I think it applies to much of what I write about on this blog. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

A fifty-year-old man approached a musician and asked, ‘Can you teach me to play the trombone so I can play in the town civic band and in parades and other things?’

‘Sure,’ the musician said.

‘How long will it take?’ the aspiring trombonist asked.

‘Well,’ the musician said, ‘I could teach almost anybody to play anything he wanted to play in five years’ time.’

‘Five years!’ the would-be student said. ‘I’ll be fifty-five years old by then!’

‘Yes, you will,’ the musician returned. ‘And how old will you be in five years if you don’t learn how to play the trombone?’” (p109)

Parenting Teens with Love and Logic is also available. Additional information may be found on the Love and Logic website.

Posted in Books, Family | Tagged , , , | 19 Comments »

2009 Highlight Reel

January 12, 2010 by Jodi Sloane

I am a big fan of highlight reels. Typically they consist of still photos and sometimes video footage played one after another to music. Sometimes these videos include a narrator’s voiceover. Usually they are produced at the end of a year or an era to highlight major events. They are also designed to highlight one’s career upon retirement, to showcase the story of a team making its way to a championship title, or to celebrate one’s life before granting an award or honoring one’s death. In political campaigns, they are produced to paint a personal picture of a candidate’s path to office. 

There is something about seeing one’s life or career displayed visually to music that I find absolutely mesmerizing. It doesn’t matter whose life is being honored in this way, I’m hooked just by the sheer power of story telling. I love the glimpse we’re given into the inner workings of one’s life; the choices one made, the steps one took, the father, mother, teacher or mentor who made a difference; I love learning about everything that delivered him or her to this moment. I always wonder which images made the subject’s heart swell with pride and which caused him discomfort. Also, which events were left on the cutting room floor, deemed unimportant in the grand scheme of one’s life or career?

My form of a highlight reel is our family album. I scrapbook family events throughout the year but it usually isn’t until the beginning of the next year that I add titles and journaling and put the whole album together for display. Last year, I looked through our ‘08 album and felt such a wave of gratitude wash over me. We had pictures from fun trips, of the boys playing various sports and progressing with their skills and level of interest, we celebrated birthdays with good friends, we had some great visits with our extended family, the boys lost teeth, gained freckles, grew in height, things like that. The album showcased what a good and blessed life we have. I felt so very fortunate for every experience when I looked through it.

This year, I’m busy working on the last few pages of our 2009 album and I’m doing the same thing: looking over where we went, what we did, who we were with, what we accomplished. I am adding to this a mental list of events that occurred which are not showcased in the album: friendships that have grown richer, an important friendship that came to an end, my youngest son starting elementary school, another year of marriage to a fantastic husband, making some fun changes to our home, and starting Joy Discovered. I am also revisiting lessons I struggled through, lessons I learned joyfully and things I made peace with. Once again, I am so grateful. I am grateful for all the encounters that brought me instant happiness. I am grateful for the encounters that were painful, too, because as I sit here marveling over them several months later, I realize I made it through. I’m stronger and wiser. I’m still standing and in one piece!

Life is absolutely something to be celebrated. All parts, absolutely every experience, are to be marveled at and examined with glee. There is something we gain in the form of character or wisdom from every encounter. There is always a silver lining. Always. Take a few minutes today to jot down what would be placed in your 2009 Highlight Reel. It’s a fun exercise. When you are finished, pat yourself on the back—you made it through another glorious year of life. All this stuff you’re looking over, it’s all yours. This is your story and yours alone. That means something. It means a lot.

And 2010 is a fresh start, another blank canvas.

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*  *  *  *  *

I purchased some great apps for my iPod Touch that I wanted to share with you:  A Year of Daily Wisdom perpetual calendar by Marianne Williamson and the I Can Do It 2010 Calendar by Louise Hay. Both are awesome! I am loving their daily messages. You can find these Hay House apps and others by Dr. Wayne Dyer, Doreen Virtue, Cheryl Richardson, and Esther & Jerry Hicks on the Oceanhouse Media website or through the App Store on your iPhone or iPod Touch.

Posted in Community & Connection, Joy, Simple Pleasures | Tagged , , | 18 Comments »

Shake Things Up!

January 5, 2010 by Jodi Sloane

We tend to follow the same old blueprint for our lives, just updating the same tired experiences. That stops today. It’s a new year! It’s the dawn of a new decade! Positive energy abounds regarding fresh starts and new beginnings. Join the party! Every day this year is a chance to shed what no longer serves you and start living the life that is an authentic expression of you. It’s time to shake things up!

Experience New Tastes – Try something new, or something you have always thought you didn’t like from childhood. Sample a new tea, order a cocktail you’ve never had before, eat a different breakfast each morning, sample beets on a warm spinach salad. You might surprise yourself!

Take on a Home Project - A little improvement or upgrade to your home feels so good! If you are worried about not having enough time or money, break the project down into its smallest part and just do that. The littlest effort pays big dividends.

Plan a Party - No occasion is necessary. The party can be as simple or complicated as you wish. Have friends over for pizza and to play Wii. Invite your neighbors to join you for breakfast Sunday morning. Any reason is a good reason.

Be a Tourist in Your Own City - There are still places left that you haven’t thoroughly explored, no matter how long you’ve lived there. I guarantee it! 

Plan a Trip, Big or Small – It is so fun to have your sights set on a place and a time to get away. Your trip doesn’t have to be costly. Plan a simple day trip to the coast and pack a gourmet picnic, for example. Invite someone special to join you. Make a mix CD of your favorite music to listen to along the way; prepare a special drink and toast the sunset. Any trip, big or small, can feel like an adventure with a little planning.

Expand Your Musical Repertoire - Ask a friend to swap playlists or mix CDs of favorite songs. It’s a great way to expand your taste into new musical frontiers. A friend of mine shared her “run mix” with me. I loved all the fast, loud, upbeat songs on her list. Tabitha, who writes the blog I Choose Bliss sent me some relaxing, instrumental CDs. Both are wonderfully calming; I now play them in my house all the time. My sister just made me some CDs, too; it’s fun to experience her taste in music and I’ve adopted some new favorites.

Take a Class – What I’ve discovered over the past few years is that there is a class for absolutely everything you are interested in at a variety of commitment levels. Take a semester-long college course, or a weekend seminar. Take a day-long class or attend a two-hour lecture by a favorite speaker. Learning something new is a great way to shake things up.

Let Go of To Do Lists – Lists lovers, listen up! If your lists have become so detailed that they are sucking the life out of your day or acting as a barrier to your ability to enjoy the moment, it’s time to let them go! I am adopting a new organization strategy this year for just this reason. I have a new calendar with just a tiny space for each day–no room for my mile-long lists. While this is a major departure for me, I am confident things will still get done and I will still be a productive person; I’ll just be happier and more present as I go about my business!

Check Your Organizing Systems - Do your organizing tasks still serve you or are you continuing to do some of them just because you always have? Your time is precious! Be selective about what you do; make sure it enhances your life.

Refresh Your Appearance – Is it time to update your hair style or color? How about a new lipstick shade? Maybe a new winter jacket or adding in new colors to your wardrobe? Simply adding accessories to your outfit like a scarf or jewelry can go a long way, too.

Get Your Thrill On – I’ve written before about the importance of play. One way to put an extra spring in your step is to seek out adrenaline-inducing activities. Go zip-lining, sky dive, do some indoor (or outdoor) rock climbing, drive go karts, go on roller coasters. Get out there and break free from your comfort zone!

Turn Off Your Computer –  I know, I know, there is so much to do on the computer: emails to answer, blogs to read, things to google, Facebook and Twitter to update…but really, it won’t go anywhere if you check in less often. Spend more time living this year and less time being plugged in. Positive results are immediately noticeable!

Dress Up - I have friends who still own dress-up boxes and go all out for theme parties and Halloween, especially. One of these friends has a collection of wigs, too. They make dressing up look like so much fun! Resolve this year to dive in, and dress up. There are nine months until Halloween; that’s plenty of time to plan.

Rearrange Your Furniture – We moved furniture around for the holidays and were pleasantly surprised by how much better the house looked. We were also shocked by how beneficial the change was to our peace of mind; our space feels refreshed and fun again.

Give Your Shoulda Woulda Coulda Thoughts the Heave Ho – Decide today that you aren’t going to let those thoughts bring you down anymore. All you have is this moment. Celebrate it! Do something different in the next moment if you desire change. Don’t lament what you didn’t do or think; it’s a waste of time and energy.

Stop Wishing, Just Do It - Wishing someone a Merry Christmas or a Happy New Year is a wonderful thing to do. Wishing things were different from what they are is not. This is your ego playfully whining and complaining that this moment is inferior to what just was or what could be. Examples: I wish I brought my coat, I wish it wasn’t so cold in the house, I wish I didn’t have to go to work tomorrow. When you catch yourself making an “I wish” statement, cut yourself off mid-sentence! And then celebrate exactly the moment you’re in for exactly what it is. If the present moment calls for action, turn things around in the next moment. I wish I brought my coat turns into “I’m going to run back home and get my coat” or “Can I borrow a sweater?” I wish it wasn’t so cold in the house becomes “I think I’ll turn on the heater” or “I’m going to exercise now to get my blood flowing.”

My hope for you all is that 2010 is bigger, better, richer and fuller. Remember to shake things up! Let go of what no longer works, adopt new things that refresh your outlook and add sparkle to your days. Have fun! Keep things light!

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Posted in Environment, Joy, Spirit | Tagged , , , | 23 Comments »

Love, Love, Love

December 14, 2009 by Jodi Sloane

The Master travels all day
without leaving home.
However splendid the views,
she stays serenely in herself.

“Who would you be in people’s presence without, for example, the story that anyone should care about you, ever? You would be love itself. When you believe the myth that people should care, you’re too needy to care about people or about yourself. The experience of love can’t come from anyone else; it can come only from inside you” (Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy, p71).

I was fortunate to learn from an early age that loving yourself is necessary for experiencing any kind of love at all. I knew that the degree of love one experiences in life is a reflection of the love one feels for herself. This knowledge made me bold—I thought I could only love myself thoroughly if I had a strong sense of self. I made it my goal to live with intention; I owned my words and actions, wore my heart on my sleeve, and strived to live without regrets. In knowing myself well, I was able to identify what I wanted in life, and who I wanted in my life. Love opened a lot of doors. This doesn’t mean I didn’t experience my share of mistakes or disappointments; certainly I did. But through it all, there was love.

What I know is that love begins with self-acceptance. We must embrace everything: the good, the bad, the ugly. All parts of us are beautiful. We celebrate every encounter, every action, every word and every thought, for in these experiences there are valuable lessons we gain or teach another.

If love is lacking in your life, change begins in you. Whether it is something in your life that you need to shift; or something about yourself that you need to accept, it all comes down to you and your relationship with self. Consider this: every day is a fresh start; every moment is a fresh start, every breath is a fresh start.

What do you need to do right now so that you can let love in?
Who do you need to be right now so that you can let love in?

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Posted in Community & Connection, Joy, Self-Care, Spirit | Tagged , , | 26 Comments »

Planting Seeds for the New Year

December 9, 2009 by Jodi Sloane

Doesn’t 2010 have a nice ring to it? It’s going to be a good year for all of us, I can feel it.

For the past few years rather than creating a resolutions list, I’ve picked a theme for the new year. Choosing a theme for the next year is all about discovering your personal truth and doing the work in your life so that you are living in alignment with that truth on a daily, moment by moment basis.  The ultimate result is a rich, harmonious life, and deep, fulfilling inner peace (in other words, JOY!).

Here are some areas to consider:

Question Beliefs - Sometimes if you consider the parts of your life that are less than satisfactory you will notice that they all relate back to a particular issue, like money or love and intimacy, for example. This is an indicator that your beliefs and how you live are perhaps not in alignment. It could be that you need to update your beliefs–perhaps you are living by an inherited belief system and not your own–and so your actions cause you to feel guilty and conflicted unnecessarily.  Other times, your beliefs are strong and worthy but you aren’t living your life in alignment with them. In 2010, consider what changes can be made to bring your beliefs, thoughts and actions into alignment.

Strengthen Connections - We all wear many hats…we are daughters, sons, fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, friends, sisters, brothers, employers, employees, teachers, students…sometime we get so caught up in the fray of day to day life that we don’t invest deeply enough with the people who mean so much to us. Make 2010 the year you change this around. Get more involved; embed yourself in the lives of those you care so much about. You matter. People want to know you better and to have you in their lives. You are worthy of the love you will receive in return. In 2010, mentor, love and encourage those around you; be the love you want to see and feel in your life.

Connect with Spirit - There is so much information available to all of us…in 2010 figure out what really speaks to you. Everyone’s spiritual journey is personal and unique. Discover what makes your spirit soar and then begin integrating key components into your life. Perhaps this is the year you explore meditation or journaling on a daily basis. Perhaps this is the year you take pause to ask–and answer–those big life questions; open discussions and ask for help in areas where you need it. Perhaps this is the year you seek out religion. Perhaps this is the year that you get back in touch with nature. Perhaps this is the year that you finally let that inkling of a passion blossom. Getting in touch with your spirit self is all about paving the way to a deep inner peace.

Let Go – This is the year you let go of emotional pain and baggage from the past; of resentment and anger you’ve been holding on to; of grudges; of judgment. This is the year you let go of being “in control” of all actions and people in your life (remember, all you have is this moment, embrace it, and relax!). If you realize you can’t let go of these dark feelings on your own, seek help. There is a mentor, a counselor, an elder or a peer, waiting for you to open up about this and let them help you. Sometimes you just have to say these unspeakable things out loud to let them go; other times you have to be able to reason with them now as an adult. Make this the year that you reach an understanding with these issues and lay them to rest. Remember, where there is a will, there is a way.

Simplify - Perhaps this is the year you simplify; let go of the to do list and expectations, attachments to ideas, beliefs, and material goods. Let go so you can let love in.  2010 may be the year you let go of “stuff.” Stuff can be defined as drama, gossip, speaking too much and listening too little, and all the trinkets we tell ourselves we need in order to live our lives. In 2010, simplify, breathe. Take care of the people in your life who are important; take care of yourself; the “stuff” really doesn’t matter.

Practice Joy – Every moment is an opportunity to be joyful, to be playful and to feel happiness. Make this the year that you really enjoy your time and make every moment count. Could you benefit from a bit more adventure, fun, silliness, or culture? Think about what could add that little bit of spice to your life. I remember one year of college, I bought two season tickets for the school theater group. I saw a play about every two months. It was fun to look forward to. It was fun to figure out who I would invite each time. The plays were wonderful and the talent of all the actors on the stage was impressive. Schedule those date nights, nights out with friends, and special day trips with the kids. Make your evenings special after work; make your weekends fun and special. Make every day the best you can. Like Tim McGraw’s song states, “Live like you were dying.”

Some tips for success:

Think about what I’ve written above. Is there a theme that resonates with you? There may be other areas you would prefer to focus on. That’s okay. Take your time and choose what you really want for your life. Try to pick just one theme. Make sure you really want this. Once you have committed to a theme, write down an affirmation for it, beginning with, “In 2010, I will . . .” Be as specific as possible. Fill in the blank with examples of what you will gain by adopting this theme for the next year. Start thinking about what actions you can take to make these changes come to life. Set a timeline for January. At the end of each month, assess your progress and plan for more in the following month.

My final suggestion is that you keep this theme to yourself. This is not a secret, but it is something you want to keep sacred. This is a commitment you are making to growing and expanding the quality of your life. If you choose to talk about it, keep it special and address it with the respect it deserves.

I am still thinking about my theme for the next year. At this point, the seeds have been planted and I’m waiting to see what blooms and wants the most attention.

I wish you peace, love and joy in 2010. I hope we continue to journey together!

 

 

Posted in Essentials, Joy, Self-Care, Spirit | Tagged , | 31 Comments »

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 24, 2009 by Jodi Sloane

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I love it that it is all about family (or friends) and great big feasts. I love the food; I can hardly wait for a bite of this year’s turkey and chilled cranberry sauce. I love it that it is a time to celebrate what we have in our lives, who we have in our lives, and where we are in our lives. I love it that the feast usually starts early and there is plenty of time to visit. I love the conversations and the easy chatter about the coming holiday season. I love it that it’s cold enough outside to have a fire inside.  I love it that Thanksgiving is a day that we all pause to come together and simply enjoy one another’s company.

This year I will be celebrating with my family in northern California. I can’t wait; it has been too long since our last visit. The weather there is in the low 60’s which means I’ll be packing layers! I am looking forward to the trip. My children can hardly wait for all the time they will be spending outside, running free. We are so elated to have a break from our busy school schedules.

I am grateful for my life. I feel truly blessed for the loved ones in my family, for my children, my husband. I am grateful for my friends who consistently meet me with an open heart, make me laugh and inspire my creativity. I am also grateful to you, my reader, for taking the time to check in on Joy Discovered once a week. Thank you to so many of you who leave comments. So many times I am touched by what has been added to the discussion; the extra clarity, support, and joy is what keeps me coming back to write more. I am grateful to the friends I’ve made through the wires. Connection is so vital to who I am; I am grateful for the love and support that flows between us all as we criss-cross each other’s blogs.

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope it is a blessed and joyous event for each and every one of you!

With love,
Jodi

Posted in Community & Connection | 18 Comments »

Forgiveness, Letting Go, and Freedom

November 16, 2009 by Jodi Sloane

When I was young I observed some very powerful grudges in action. The people who harbored them were angry; the power their grudges wielded was enormous—and frightening. The damage these grudges caused to their lives and to those in their path, mine included, was voluminous. I did not like grudges; I wished to never have them. When something was done to me that was harsh or hurtful I worked very hard to get over it as soon as possible. Usually after just a few weeks I couldn’t remember important details. The pain and any possible blame I might have would just vanish. I figured out later on that this was a form of denial. At the time I experienced these events I didn’t know how to process them so I just tucked them away out of sight, out of mind. I fooled myself into thinking I was unaffected. 

Years ago those details I thought I had forgotten started bubbling to the surface. Experiencing these memories for the second time was tough. It was difficult for me to admit that I was holding on to a lot of pain and also, anger. At first I felt shame over the fact that I had been harboring these strong emotions for so long. I really thought I was done with these memories and had let them go. I was disappointed in myself; I was disappointed in the memories for having so much power over me. I felt a little bit like I had a secret monster lurking inside.

It started to feel good to express myself, eventually. It was like I was strong enough for the first time to claim how I really felt. It felt good to say, “I’m mad!” instead of “I’m fine!” I was able to raise my hand and say, triumphantly, “Hey, what happened here was wrong and I do not accept it.” 

The next phase, though, was realizing this new found bravado wasn’t contributing to peace and harmony in my life.

Around that time I started hearing about this concept of forgiveness. I learned how it is important to forgive others in order to let go of associated pain, anger or resentment. At first, the idea of forgiveness only increased my anger. I thought, “First I have the burden of this experience from someone who should have known better, and now the burden is on me, again, to forgive? Outrageous!” I was closed off to forgiveness. Forgiveness seemed like a gift you give the person who hurt you; I didn’t agree with it. Even later when I learned that forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone the behavior or have to invite this person back into your life, I still couldn’t embrace it. I suppose I just wasn’t ready.

Then one day I was listening to a radio show hosted by Marianne Williamson. She described an exercise on forgiveness that caught my attention. She suggested we mentally recall a relationship or an event within a relationship and we take responsibility for our wrongs. One by one, we call out anything we did that was wrong, hurtful or thoughtless and we take responsibility. In this way, we humanize the relationship and diffuse the actions performed against us. The result is that we are finally able to let go of our grudge and any negative emotions associated with it. This is something we can do on our own. If we want to then reconcile the relationship, we can, but we don’t have to.  This resonated with me.

Over the next several weeks, anytime I was driving around town, or doing something else where I could be alone with my thoughts, I went over these past events and accepted my part. It helped me a lot and I learned a powerful lesson on humility. I realized that a wrong committed is a wrong no matter what. What I mean by this is that sometimes we weigh the wrongs committed against us and if they are really big, we refuse to accept that we also played a part because our wrongs are so seemingly insignificant by comparison. We make the person who hurt us into a horrible villain and we are one hundred percent the victim. We defend, or cancel out, anything we did wrong because we find it to be less wrong than what was done to us. 

In my own way, I had this mentality. The bulk of my experience occurred between parent and child. Prior to this exercise, I refused to accept any responsibility because I was a child when the trouble began. I am right in many respects; but our troubled relationship did continue into my adult years and surely I contributed to the pain and mistrust that existed between us later on. That I was a child when the trouble began was my “free pass” so to speak. What I came to realize is that by holding on exclusively to what had been done to me, I had locked myself into the victim mentality. Anytime we enter into a victim/villain dynamic we’re stuck. The relationship locks up and stalls. Our own growth stalls, too, because we are too attached to our one-sided ideas about the situation. I had to accept that in the Court of Forgiveness, all wrongs are equal. Doing this diffused my pain and anger. In taking a look at where I could have done things differently, I realized I was not perfect in the situation and so I could not expect perfection from the other person, either. Surrendering my part to the situation helped me to see how each of us contributed to the problem. Seeing what my pain caused me to say or do made me more open to seeing what actions against me may have been motivated by pain. I felt empathy, even. 

Personally, I was much better off. Doing this exercise unlocked a part of me that I never thought would be free. The lightness I felt as I came to terms with all of this was instantaneous. Being able to refer to this as forgiveness still took a little more time for me. But I did arrive there eventually. 

I finally understood what I heard before about how forgiving someone else is a gift we give ourselves. Forgiveness frees us from the past. We are able to function happily in the present once again when we let go of the past. We allow our hearts to open instead of going through life with a clenched fist.

I wanted to share Marianne Williamson’s method for forgiveness in hopes that it could help one of you with letting go of your own pain or anger. I think there is a way for all of us to heal, we just have to find the way that works for us. When we are healed, peace and harmony are possible.

Posted in Family, Mind, Relationships, Self-Care, Spirit | Tagged , , | 24 Comments »

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